In their book Coffee Shop Conversations, Dale and Jonalyn Fincher have a section on how to talk in loving and grace-oriented ways with seekers. Whether these spiritual conversations happen in a coffee shop, at the workplace, or in a neighbor's house--or in a Bible study--their "Manners on Loving Discourse" are helpful.

1. Manner #1 - Respect One Another
   This is common sense, right? Who would want to consider what someone has to say if they are not being respected by that person?
   
   A good point made by the authors is that what we say about that person or people like them--i.e., Muslims, or atheists, for examples, or Republicans or Democrats--when they are not around often reveals our true feelings about that person or group of people. And if we do not show them respect in those settings, that attitude is going to spill over and be apparent when we do have conversations that person.
   
   In addition the authors make excellent point that the other person is on a spiritual journey, and we have much to learn from them as well. These authors ground that perspective in the understanding that every person is made in the image of God. Missional authors would add that it is because the Spirit of God has been sent out into the world, and he is working in every person's life.
   
   
2. Manner #2 - Step Into Their Shoes
   This one is difficult for us, particularly the more different that the person is or the further that they are from our belief system. Truly stepping into another's shoes means that we seek to think about, understand, and acknowledge what a person believes and why those beliefs have meaning and value for them.
   
   For instance, for a person who is in a homosexual marriage, do we understand why that relationship might have meaning for them, why it might be difficult to set aside, and perhaps what in that person's story led them down this path--even though we do not agree with this lifestyle? (In reaching people for Christ, we share Christ first, then morality, not the other way around. But that is a whole other discussion.)
   
   If we do not step into that person's shoes, then we will likely discount their feelings, minimize their struggles, and fail to emphatically talk with them about their lives, God, and faith. 
   
   
3. Manner #3 - Wrestle On Your Own
   Part of active listening is genuinely considering another person's point of view, without automatically jetisonning it. God can use the perspectives of seekers to prompt and prod us. 
   
   So we should take seriously the thoughts and questions of seekers, such as the hypocrisy of Christians, the problem of evil and suffering, spiritual abuse in the church, and the like, and pause before giving our pre-determined answer.
   
   In the midst of the conversation we should show that we are genuinely considering their ideas, and maybe even spend the next week thinking about their questions before coming up with an answer. And not all questions have to be answered or can be fully answered by us!)
   
   
4. Manner #4 - Never Judge a Thing By Its Abuse
   Who of us as Christians would want to be judged by the Crusades, or sexual abuse in clergy, or televangelists? And yet, we often pick out the worst thing or worst behavior of those in another religion and beat that down to prove our faith's superiority.
   
   There is a time and place for comparative religion. But we should avoid stereotyping and only looking at the worst that a religion has to offer. Not all Muslims are terrorists and behead people. Not all atheists advocate hedonism or the lack of a moral system.  
   
   
5. Manner #5 - Update Your Opinions of Others
   Sometimes we may think that we have a person figured out. But as we actively listen and get to know people, we should allow our views of them to be updated to match where they currently are in their lives, belief system, and spiritual walk. Sometimes this is most difficult to do with family members or others with whom we have had a long association with.
   
   
6. Manner #6 - Share Your Personal Experiences
   This is, as I have always said, the one thing in our postmodern culture that we have the right to do in regards to spirituality. Each person has the right to experience God on their own terms in our culture, and ostensibly each person's experience is to be respected.
   
   Sometimes, of course, Christians and their experiences are the exception, and they and their views are automatically excluded from the public square. But if this is so, then it is due to the fact that for so long we owned the square and did not want anyone else sharing their viewpoint. The backlash on that is to be expected as the percentage of the US population that is Christian continues to decline.
   
   But regardless of that, on a relational level, there are few things that can impact people more than hearing a personal, life-changing experience of God.
   
   
   
7. Manner #7 - Allow Others to Remain Unconvinced
   The authors make the point that we should not expect people to change their viewpoints and come to faith in Christ in one conversation or overnight, so to speak. We should allow time for God and the Spirit to work on their hearts and minds and change their lives.
   
   We should still at some point call on people--or, rather, invite--people to follow Christ. With most seeker interactions, this is the gap that is more common. But for the "pushy evangelist," this is a good thing to know, remember, and understand.
   
   It is also the reason why almost no one today walks into a worship service and decides to be baptized in the course of a single sermon. Most seekers are just too far away from God or have had too many bad experiences or real questions that they must deal with in order to take that step. So the next time someone tells you that you need to preach more "gospel" sermons (by which they do not mean the gospel, but the response to the gospel), ask them if they understand how people come to faith today.
   
   Many older generations who may have seen thousands of people be baptized in the 1940s or 50s may not understand that the world has changed, and people no longer are at the same place in their spiritual walk, nor do most of the methods and messages of the past resonate with people today.
   
   

This book is pretty quick read, and it gives some good insights into the types of things to say or not say in spiritual conversations, attitudes that are helpful or not, and that type of thing. I would have found the book much more helpful if the authors had shared more of the real live conversations that they have had with seekers to illustrate what to do or not to do. It is rather ironic that they had so few of these, and just went to the summaries of their experiences.

If people are struggling with how to interact with seekers, and have a very old-style, throwback type of method of talking with people about Christ/conversion, then this book could be of help. For those who are familiar with this approach, the book just serves as a reminder or summary of a better approach for today.

From your experiences, what should we do or not do/say in our spiritual conversations with seekers? Which of the above points seem most important/helpful to you?